2002-09-20
10:56 a.m.
if i had any sense
(It's not uncertainty, just shock at the certainty; not indecision, but I'm aghast that I've decided. Since when am I moved so quickly and rashly to life-shaking states? Oh fuck. Since always.) * Tonight, in view of the fact that we don't often have the opportunity to wear skanky dresses, some hottt girls and I will wear skanky dresses. Out of the house! Good god. I barelyever drink anymore, so the red wine part of the night should be interesting. Or, you know, humiliating. Either way, skin will be covered with stars tonight. * I've been in such limbo, constantly waiting for midnight, for voices, for 14 (13, 12, and now 11) days to pass so that I can see things up-close, start a new month the way I wish I could start every day. Presence, contact, touch, ache. OH. Every time I think about it, a spot on the back of my right heel gets so hot and burny that it hurts. There's nothing visibly wrong, so I think my body's just being ironic, all Achilles-referencey. I'm hoping that all this - what can I call it? passion? - doesn't kill me. haha. * Mostly, school is delightful, my apartment is delightful, my friends are delightful. I lay on Citadel Hill and took pictures (and had pictures taken) in the sunlight yesterday after school. I keep trying to quit enthusing so audibly, because I'm sure it gets tiring, but then the sun will be falling so perfectly on such a lovely freckly face that all plans of laid-backness get screwed and I'm goony again. I guess I should say 'dude' more, and maybe 'gnarly', and stop opening my eyes quite so wide. * Ooooh, tell me I'm not being foolish. Or that it's okay to be this foolish. Or that the best things I could possibly be are here, living, smiling, counting, hoping. i guess i'd fear this
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