2002-12-05
10:05 p.m.
and i swear fealty
The largest source of freshwater in Atlantic Canada has frozen over again, which makes navigation of this city less messy but more slipppy for the next little while. That's what I love about Halifax - the play between the constructed city and its natural surroundings. I didn't even realize such an important river flowed around the Citadel until I had to wade to the Y yesterday. Goddam it. A few minutes ago I was desperately trying to update because I was quite sure everything was going to explode in my face. I made a rational list and planned my attack, though, and perhaps my face will be safe at least from larger explosions for the next little while. I miss the kind of urgency that wells up from the inside and spins me toward a pen, my guitar, the woods. Right now I'm clocking everything in five-minute intervals, and I'm regimented by external catastrophes-in-waiting which means I can't fuck up or hold off. And the old, daring, creative, ballsy me has acquiesced with a disappointing weakness of spirit to the notion that the most useful things hurt like a barbed-wire cock and are about as beautiful. Over 150 applicants. Expanding their portfolios. Picking up a little extra on the side. Thought whatthehell. But this is everything I love rolled into one, see, and if you don't see, there's something desperately wrong with the way I approach the things I love. This can turn into about a million lessons that I'm not keen on learning. I am not keen on hearing. All that too much/ not enough crap again. Always thinking 'someday'. And I think someday's approaching, and if I don't manage to slow down enough to catch it by the ear, I'm going to scream. fucking medians. fucking no-exit-for-the-next-1000-km signs. [but I can't keep complaining about the lack of poetry in everyone else's soul when the whole alphabet spilled from a rip in mine.] lie beyond dignity
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